one side will make you grow taller
by Panny Pancake
Summary: There are some views that can only be seen from the top and there are some things you can only realize with distance. Hoshino Yutaka might sometimes overlook the little details, but when he knows what he wants he's not someone who does things by halves. [Post-canon, Peco/Smile]


It was Smile's quietness that caught Yutaka's attention in the first place. The poor kid had always shrunk in on himself, becoming silent and small as a first line of defense. It never seemed to occur to him that at that age a kid who was quiet and still only stood out more. But of course he also would have preferred to curl up and die rather than laugh or shout or inconvenience anyone by letting them know that he felt _anything_ at all. Or at least that was what Yutaka thought at first - before Smile became Smile.

The first time Yutaka reached out to Smile, it was without any particular intention or expectation. The way the other children treated him was cruel and Yutaka had never had much tolerance for bullies - there was nothing noble in picking on someone who wouldn't fight back. Still, he found something gratifying in the way the shy boy who never asked for anything started reaching back. Ping pong was his first love and what grew between him and Smile was nothing so romantic, but it meant something all the same. He swelled with the feeling of being the person Smile turned to, reached for, looked up to when Smile was so eager to shut off the world before. Smile wasn't solely responsible for making Yutaka feel so tall, but it was safe to say that he had been a factor.

Eventually Yutaka felt so big that he stopped growing. Smile realized it long before he ever did - it was easy to forget how much more Smile saw and noticed and remembered than anybody else. Ping pong wasn't the only area where Yutaka became complacent. Somewhere along the way things changed and it was only Smile reaching out anymore, in a quiet, uncertain way that was too easy for Yutaka to ignore. If Smile had shouted, would it have been any different? Maybe, maybe not. Yutaka as he was then wouldn't have wanted to hear admonishments from someone so content to coast through life. More truthfully, he wouldn't have wanted to face the reality that his pride had outpaced him.

What Yutaka should have noticed was when Smile fell into old habits and started retreating. First making himself small so that both of them could still believe that Yutaka really was big. Then shutting himself away because Yutaka wasn't the hero he believed in anymore. Smile stopped smiling and Yutaka forgot that he even knew how. He never glanced over his shoulder to make sure that Smile was still there because it was a given that Smile would always follow him, standing in his shadow and ready to catch him if he fell. He only realized that things might have changed when Smile stopped trying to make himself seem smaller than he was and left Yutaka alone in a world that was suddenly full of giants.

Even then he knew that a Smile who was callous and disregarded the feelings of others so easily was wrong, even if he couldn't remember what "right" looked like anymore. He'd forgotten what ping pong really was and he'd forgotten himself. Thank god for Akuma and the old lady, he supposed.

Still, it wasn't as grim as all that really. There was something romantic about being the underdog. About being the fallen hero returned triumphant. About chasing his best friend.

Funny that he'd be doing that last one again now, after all these years. Yutaka absently drummed his fingers against the armrest of his seat as the pilot announced their arrival in Japan. How nostalgic.

* * *

"I really don't know why you're not staying with Smile," Akuma said, but he was already moving to help Yutaka with his bags. "Not to sound like I don't want you here, but the man lives alone and you know that he'd be more than willing to put you up. If they weren't my own damn kids, I'd take that over the zoo over here."

Yutaka just smiled. It wasn't that Akuma didn't have a point or that Yutaka wouldn't like to give him some sort of explanation. It was just that he had no idea how he was supposed to answer. Sorry to impose on you, old buddy, old pal, but I think staying with the man I intend to start courting might be a little against social code? Infamous playboy Hoshino Yutaka is suddenly feeling a little shy just because he wants to ask out his best friend since childhood? I feel less awkward staying with someone who hasn't starred in any recent fantasies?

_I'm scared shitless that this is going to go badly and need a bit of breathing room to get my head sorted out?_

"Careful now or people will start calling you a bad host," Yutaka joked instead. "It's good to see you, Akuma."

"Yeah. Likewise, Peco." Akuma only hesitated a moment before moving in for a hug. A quick, manful one-armed maneuver that was nonetheless sincere in its geniality. Even that much of a gesture would have been beyond them when they were teenagers, even when they got along. How times had changed.

Despite what Akuma had said, Yutaka could tell that Akuma's three children were all good kids. Noisy and energetic in the way young children often were, but good kids. Yutaka didn't think that he could have ever settled into a life of working with children the way Smile had decided to, but he liked them well enough. Akuma's wife Muuko, on the other hand, was as easy-going as she was pretty. It wasn't a life he had ever pictured for Akuma who had always been restless, but it seemed to suit him somehow.

"Say, Hoshino-san," Muuko said from across the table, expertly preventing her oldest son from adding too much to his plate, "Every time I see you in a magazine, you're with a different girl. Don't you ever think about settling down?" Yutaka laughed even as Akuma nearly choked on his food, spluttering a scandalized _"Muuko_".

"Please, call me Peco," he reminded her, smiling just as he had when Akuma had asked him why he wasn't staying with Smile. It wasn't like she was exactly wrong, after all. "Have you been buying my magazines, Akuma?"

"I buy _ping pong_ magazines! Don't get the wrong idea." And the topic was successfully evaded.

* * *

If asked, Hoshino Yutaka never would have said that his life was precisely "missing" anything. His string of girlfriends wasn't so much a sign that he was unsatisfied or searching for something as it was a sign that he liked sex and that the busy life of an international athlete wasn't what most women pictured dealing with in the long term. Truthfully, Yutaka never thought much about the long term himself. He was living the dream of playing ping pong professionally and he was happy. Retirement would come, probably sooner than he was ready for given how young most athletes were when they called it quits, but that was a concern for later. He never worried about whether he could picture himself growing old with the next woman he took to dinner. Kotori might have been an exception - he thought that they might have been able to have something given enough time. But even she had wanted her own life and hadn't been willing to compromise her dreams for his. He probably wouldn't have loved her if she'd been the kind of person to settle for any less.

So maybe his life didn't include everything that everyone thought that it should, but he was content.

At least, for a time.

* * *

Yutaka stopped by a convenience store to pick up a snack on his way to the dojo out of something that felt a lot like habit and nothing at all like stalling. He stood for a while staring at the rather sad-looking flowers at the door and debated over getting something for the old lady. Such gestures hadn't helped much to smooth things over with spurned dates in the past, but he supposed it didn't really hurt either. Eventually he settled on one flower that looked a little more lively than the rest and forced himself to be on his way.

But when he arrived at the dojo, Smile wasn't there. Yutaka found that for all his delaying he was more disappointed than relieved. The old lady for her part received his gift with her usual good grace.

"Tch. Well, I suppose traveling has taught you at least some manners. Kazama brought me a whole bouquet to make up for not visiting, you know. _He_ wasn't even my student."

"Dragon was here?" Yutaka asked even though he wasn't really surprised. He wouldn't have been surprised even if China had shown up.

"Oh yes. Kazama stops by all the time now that he's not on a national team. Unlike some big shots who don't even bother to call."

"Sorry, sorry," Yutaka said, rubbing the back of his neck, "I'll check in more often, I promise. Love ya, old lady."

The old lady continued to look stern, though Yutaka thought she might have wanted to smile. Just a little. "You don't call and Smile's always shirking his duties. I raised you both better than this."

"Where is Smile anyway?"

"Who knows." Now she seemed a bit more genuinely perturbed. "I understand he's having dinner at Koizumi's tonight, though. You should go too, if you want to see him."

"Um, that's okay," Yutaka said, suddenly feeling awkward. "I wouldn't want to intrude."

"Nonsense, I'll call and tell them to set an extra place. The least that old fool can do is feed you for a night." The words were casual enough, but there was a gleam to the old lady's eye that set him on edge. She had the sort of look that said 'I know something'. "Love ya, Peco."

* * *

The revelation that somewhere along the way he had fallen in love with Smile should have come as more of a surprise than it did. It came after a late night of video chatting as Smile softly wished him goodnight and Yutaka suddenly realized with startling clarity that he wanted Smile to be there to wish him goodnight for the rest of his life. It was so easy to accept that some part of him must have known already and waited for the rest of him to catch up.

Even leaving aside the possibility of rejection, attempting that kind of relationship with Smile would bring its fair share of risks. The media would certainly take an interest if Hoshino Yutaka took up with another man. His career would probably endure without too much trouble despite the scandal, seeing as he was currently the darling of the German team. Smile's work wasn't nearly so public, but the position of a teacher was always more precarious when it came to such matters and Japan didn't have Germany's anti-discrimination laws. Of course, the press hadn't seemed to notice when his parade of sexual partners had ground to a halt with the realization of his feelings, preferring instead to assume that any woman in his company for more than two minutes was his new squeeze. And it wasn't like he had to worry that Smile wouldn't know how to be discreet. Though it sounded so cold when he put it like that...

But for all the ways that it could go wrong, Yutaka found himself daydreaming in idle moments about a life where Smile was waiting for him at the end of the day in a place that they both called home. Smile would never turn to him and ask "what's more important, ping pong or me?" because Smile understood what ping pong was to him better than anyone. And in that mysterious After, when his lifelong dream came to an end and he needed to find a new dream, Yutaka could still have that. He could have a life with the person who he still couldn't help thinking of as his best friend and they could turn into old men playing ping pong together until neither of them had wings strong enough to fly. Didn't Smile deserve the chance to decide for himself if that was something he did or didn't want?

And if some nights Yutaka dreamed about a Smile who was stripped bare of all defenses, well...maybe that was something he wanted too.

Before he knew it he was checking the prices of tickets to Japan online and calling Akuma to see if he could crash at his place for a while.

* * *

Yutaka wasn't and had never been the type to hold grudges, but childhood memories always seem to linger on those who wrote us off. Being greeted by Koizumi's wife and her sweet, cheerful disposition went a long way toward soothing his mood, however.

"Ah, you must be Hoshino-kun. It's so nice to finally meet you," she said, ushering him in so that there was no time for him to second guess himself. "You know, my husband's told the story of your win in regionals during your second year so many times now, I'm surprised that it's taken this long. He gets so excited about it still, you'd think he'd spend more time bragging about your professional accomplishments instead. He and Makoto are sitting at the table already, why don't you join them?" _'Makoto', huh?_

Yutaka wasn't sure what to expect when he saw Smile, but he was met unhesitatingly with a warm hug. It was nothing like the quick greeting he'd exchanged with Akuma, a full two-armed embrace that tightened a little before letting go. Yes, things really had changed since they were kids.

Koizumi took the much more reserved approach of shaking his hand and Yutaka was able to smile and thank him for the welcome sincerely, heart feeling strangely light.

All in all the dinner was a more pleasant experience than he had expected. It wasn't completely without tension - the whole thing felt oddly like meeting Smile's parents, which was ridiculous considering that Yutaka actually _had_ met Smile's parents before. But still, it was nice. He'd forgotten how many expressions Smile could make now.

Yutaka and Smile left together and had the opportunity to walk with each other at least part of the way home. It was then that Smile weighed in on the question that people had been dogging Yutaka with ever since he arrived in Japan. "You could have stayed with me, you know. It wouldn't have been an inconvenience."

He shrugged, carefully not looking at Smile's profile. "Like hell I'd pass up a chance to annoy Akuma."

"You still haven't told me why you came to Japan. Were you homesick?"

Yutaka would have been lucky to get a better opportunity than this. Out under the moonlight, alone together. Bellies full and faces pleasantly aching where the smiles had recently been. _I'm here for you, baby_. Lines like that were cool, right?

"Something like that," he said instead. It wasn't a total lie.

* * *

"You didn't tell him, did you?" Akuma was still up when Yutaka got back, idly fiddling with a toy block the kids had left out.

"Tell who what?"

"The old lady called me, you know. To check up on you." Akuma clucked his tongue in disapproval. "As if I hadn't noticed on my own. Keen observation isn't one of her many charms, but even Muuko can tell that something's up. Of course, she thinks it's maybe a high school girlfriend. The old lady worries though, even if she won't come out and say it."

Yutaka huffed a laugh even though none of it was funny. "I'm that obvious, huh?"

"You are," Akuma agreed, blunt as usual. Then he glanced sidelong at Yutaka, hand still playing with the block. "But I know you, as well, Peco." Sometimes he forgot that Akuma watched and remembered as much as Smile did. Maybe more. "There's someone who knows you even better than I do."

Yutaka hummed noncommittally. It was something that had occurred to him, that Smile might figure it out without being told.

"_I_ think that he probably does know," Akuma said, watching him levelly now. "And even if he doesn't, you should tell him. Hesitation doesn't suit you."

Yutaka closed his eyes, suddenly feeling very tired. "I suppose it's not very heroic of me to keep avoiding it like this."

When he opened his eyes again Akuma was still looking at him, thoughtful. The block had stilled. "I think it's okay for even heroes to be afraid sometimes," he said slowly, "as long as it doesn't stop you from doing what needs to be done. It just means that you care."

* * *

"I'm not intending to half-ass this," Yutaka said, gaze unwavering even if he felt his hands shaking in his pockets. He'd been right - there wasn't a better opportunity. Standing in front of Smile on the empty beach on a day that was too cold to be comfortable no matter how many layers they wore - it wasn't romantic at all.

"I know you're not," Smile said, face serious and lacking the open smiles Yutaka had become so used to seeing during the time he had been back. If he ignored how much older he looked, Yutaka could almost pretend that they were first years at Katase again. Except that the Smile who had existed back then never would have considered this proposal with such gravity. And the Yutaka who existed never would have been brave enough to ask.

"I'm really serious."

"I know."

Yutaka fought the urge to shuffle his feet. "So what, then?"

Smile looked serious for a moment longer before nodding. "Okay."

The first time Yutaka kissed Smile, it was awkward and involved an amount of repositioning that was entirely disproportionate to how long it lasted. Yutaka was an experienced kisser, but Smile was considerably taller than he was used to.

That was okay. Yutaka was already big enough to level mountains.


End file.
